why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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