You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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