I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
