**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
