my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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