My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
