Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
