he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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