the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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