help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
please come you make the beer taste better
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
