after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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