census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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