I haven't been this sober since birth.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
