I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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