Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
