And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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