Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
