I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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