finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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