Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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