Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
