Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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