The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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