Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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