I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
