My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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