No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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