Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
