He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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