I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
