my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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