I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
