theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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