I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
