And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
