Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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