From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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