A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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