I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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