I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
