Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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