So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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