After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
