im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
