I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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