operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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