Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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