Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
