just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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