come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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