Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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