sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
