someone threw a dead crab at me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
