two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You're like the curious george of whores
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
